Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
