ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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