I'm jealous of your bromance
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
