To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize