yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
