your parents love me but you hate me
it hurts more in the daytime
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
