I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
