I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The adults are the big ones right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
