I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
