God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
