I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
