I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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