I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
