Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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