Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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