I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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