Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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