just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize