Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
