I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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