break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
