If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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