at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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