I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
