I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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