I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
