Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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