There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
