Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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