This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
