I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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