Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
