I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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