I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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