$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
They have beer where we have blood.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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