your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Where is the hickey?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
