I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
