when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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