I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he thought i was a dude.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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