I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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