the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My bed smells like the plague
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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