We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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