You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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