Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
