i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
