His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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