Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
