So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
