I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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