im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize