I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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