You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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