So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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