does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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