Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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