Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
