i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
