My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
